so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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