I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
