I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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