Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
