I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
