Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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