I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
