There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
