I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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