I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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