You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
