Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
