I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Randomize
