Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He better not be in your backpack
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
