your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
