Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
