dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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