Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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