You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
