I just made out with a guy for $7.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
