I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
