I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
