Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
