I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
