Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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