Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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