ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
