Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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