He had one of those small greek statue penises
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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