I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
