Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
