Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
