I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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