how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
