she woke up with a sticky ear
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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