Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
a search helicopter?!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
