I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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