so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
