Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
