She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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