I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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