omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
