I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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