Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
