He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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