there was a trapeze. enough said
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
