the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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