you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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