you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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