I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
